Baby Dont Hurt Me

by Mandy Seley
Mandy\'s avatar

Just in case it’s not clear no we are not having a baby. Very happily childfree!

In the past few years, though, three people close to me had babies, and I’m very happy for all of them! I wanted to find them something weird and unique for their showers, so I looked and asked around online a bit.

…I have regrets.

This comic’s exaggerated a bit, but seriously, try buying one (1) baby-related item on Amazon. See how long your recommended items list is nothing but babies all babies all the time all kitschy motherhood clutter all mommy books all babies babies it’s babies more babies oh my god babies babies babies babies babies…

(…and use an ad blocker.)

58 comments on “Baby Dont Hurt Me”

  1. I’ll second the ad blocker and would suggest to add ghostrey and a cookie auto deleter. If you know a BIT about web technology umatrix is very useful too.

    See? At last one post without mentioning babies.

    1. You were doing so well until the very last word in the very last sentence ;-p

  3. If you’re getting spammed with ads about whatever, go ahead and do a few searches with variations on ‘I hate babies’ or the like. Eventually, the ad gizmos will catch on.

    1. Does this really work??

      Personally I’d try doing other ad-tastic browsing, like fishing, travel, art supplies, guns, whatever works that’s less annoying.

      1. You’re better off searching and mentioning more valuable ad segments.

        Mental health, and addiction treatment are probably the only thing more valuable than babies when it comes to ad value. Though for defeating normal “follow you” ads searching for server hosting will beat out most things, AND the ads are almost never obnoxious.

  4. Well, fuck….
    I wanted to say Fox was wrong, but my sister just had to pick today to make her announcement….

  5. I’m surprised there’s no YAY! product in that pile of ads. Do they not produce baby stuff? I mean, #1 Mom Product For Your Little Brat Baby(TM) is a great and trusted brand, but still…

    1. YAY! brand manages to magically appear only on items you’re actually excited about.

  6. Gotta love those ads algorithms.
    And also people that jump the gun on comments without reading in full what you typed?

    1. Well, you can’t expect them to read A WHOLE TWEET. I mean come on. We desperately need some form of social media that doesn’t require such a long attention span!

  7. buy clothes that fits a particulare age range other than diapers clothes are the most disposable things a kid can have

  8. A squirt bottle of vodka, a spray bottle of baby cleaner, a baby squeegee, mouth guard, armpit razor, diaper press recycler.

  9. I’m still dealing with that misery as well. Years ago when I had beaten Tri Force Heroes I had some extra crimson pearls in my inventory so I thought to look up how many pearls went onto making a necklace. I never did find the answer but to this day I still see ad bars for the Add-A-Pearl service. And it’s always the image of a necklace with one pearl on it next to a photo of a baby.

    1. I’m currently bingeing on that series and am ignoring that one, along with Four Swords and Four Swords Adventures.

  10. Happily childfree is something so of our friends seem to find it difficult to believe is a thing. “What do you mean you’re happy just living together and enjoying your lives without getting married and looking after kids?” It’s easy. We just have a lot more free time and money to enjoy ourselves ;-p

  11. You could always buy them the literary masterpiece ‘go the fuck to sleep’. It’s a book that satirizes goodnight moon into the consternated ramblings of a parent who just wants to go to bed but their kid won’t let them. It’d serve two functions, good gag gift, as well as being a portent of things to come in their lives living with human pupae.

    1. Ir there is always “Invisible Child Eating Alligators that Live Absolutely Everywhere.”

    3. Fox got a copy of the Die Hard picture book for our nephew’s first Christmas. Gotta start with the classics

  12. This better be the most adorable babies. *shakes fist at the heavens*

    Also, those comments are not real enough ~ noone is talking about how much the kids will look like Fox.

  15. Buy ANYTHING, and the ads will follow you around for days (until you buy something else).

  16. Less baby-related and more like a similar Amazon experience:

    For about half a year after I bought the Wes Craven movie “Shocker,” my recommended items list was half-filled with decals depicting…a certain hand gesture…

    On a shared device…

  18. Congratulations on the baby…
    im joking i did read it.
    any time i go to amazon i will get emails for weeks about similar products to what i looked at even for a second…devious carnivores those amazon sales teams

  19. But what about all your little furbabies who squeak and eat seed?

  20. You can tell Amazon to not count a purchase as part of your recommendations. At the very bottom there’s a tiny link to the right that says view or edit your browsing history. Should clear up the stuff you don’t want to be bombarded with.

  21. It’s really cool to see someone else who’s happily child free! Unfortunately Amazon and Google have a hard time getting that concept so all you can really do is follow the advice of those who posted before me. I did wanna add, though, if you are still looking for a good gift than a large, soft mat or blanket is something that would be good and I’d think relatively affordable.

  22. It’s really cool to see someone else who’s happily child free! Unfortunately Amazon and Google have a hard time getting that concept so all you can really do is follow the advice of those who posted before me. I did wanna add, though, if you are still looking for a good gift than a large, soft mat or blanket is something that would be good and I’d think relatively affordable.

  23. I work as a copywriter for Amazon stores. I once worked for a company that sold custom printed or engraved wedding glasses and beer mugs. We also had general wedding favors and things that were suitable for baby showers. Needless to say, I landed where Seely has in this comic. I think it took over 2 months before the “baby was out of my Amazon feed”.

  24. I wonder what ads I’d get if I bought the book “A Modest Proposal”…

    Anyone who doesn’t get that should go watch Sealab 2021.
    Here’s the related clip.

    1. And woah, I put up the link and it just threw up the video. …Not intended but, uh… enjoy?

    2. Why didn’t I think of that?! I quote that all the time. But only up to the pause and “eating babies.”

      1. I vote for “To Serve Man”! 🙂 (I wonder if Rod Serling knows about this book… ;-))

      2. Either way, it’s how we’re gonna get soylent green. Baby will just be the premium version.

        …Think I might have earned about a month in purgatory for that one.

  25. Kinda unrelated, but Fox’s face in the last frame is uncannily resemblant to IRL fox, if his twiter if anything to go by.

  26. For future reference, an easy way to avoid this (mostly if not completely)
    1] Don’t ask social media about buying baby stuff, as a woman no matter how many times you say “friend” a lot of people will always assume that “you” are pregnant.
    2] Log out of sites like Google or Amazon or Ebay etc before searching for items you don’t want their algorithms to bombard your accounts with afterwards – Only log in if you’re specifically buying something, then afterwards do a bit of browsing at stuff you like, to keep the algorithm focused away from the baby stuff.
    3] In relation to 2, if you do find something worth buying, check to see if you can get it offline first, that way you can completely avoid a digital trail.

  27. Oh, Mandy, I hadn’t noticed this before but your spots around your neck look like a necklace. I like that little design to your character.

  28. Yeaahhh you gotta watch out for those ads. Fortunately the auto suggestions that come up for me are pretty useful sometimes. “Ooo, i need one of those!” *click*

  30. If you’re still looking for a gift idea, Dolly Parton has a free program that sends an age appropriate book every month to kids from birth to age five.
    https://imaginationlibrary.com/ (I hope this doesn’t come across as spam-like.)

    1. That’ll teach ’em to let the li’l brats have any kind of energy food in the evening! 🙂

  32. Hahaha, I get the same thing anytime I order a gift for my nephew/niece. Ads and suggestions for days.

    For extra fun, stick your radio on a Spanish channel and set your phone next to it. How many hours does it take for you to start getting ads in Spanish?

  33. Since nobody else will step up and take the hidden challenge…..

    I get the fact that your comic is like your baby, but maybe you could have let that joke gestate a little longer. Of course, we know that advertisers have an infantile method of determining what to show you. They’re always knocking up your Facebook page with stuff you don’t want. It would be nice to contain that crap in a crib, but then they get cranky.

    You know what, it’s too early for my brain to do bad puns… I’ll leave it at that. 😀

  35. *Sings along to Justin Bieber.* o/`Baby, baby, baby, Oh baby, baby baby o/`

  36. One of my friends just had one I got it a nerf gun and sward and rote in the card with parents like this it would need something to defend it self from the monsters under the bed

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